I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just pee around me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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