party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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