i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I need a beard to bite.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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