WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
