I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
