So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
