so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
