as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
