Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
