so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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