when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm really busy with my period
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