Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
