Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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