the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
