Moan for me like Helen Keller
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
