This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
