in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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