i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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