I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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