we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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