When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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