I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
