no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
