i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
