She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Couch. On fire.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
