went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
