I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
