i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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