dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
