And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
