I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
