i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
