I swear she didn't look like that last week.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
