areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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