Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
