Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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