Fuck appropriateness.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
