apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
