I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
