Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
