Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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