I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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