my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
