turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
They took my balls.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
