it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
