'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
