you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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