I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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