These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
