Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
