omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
