if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
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I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize