Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
