I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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